содржина
Everyone gets irritated from time to time. But what if you constantly lash out at your child? We share a method that will help get rid of the habit of raising your voice and make your relationship more friendly.
A couple of months ago, when my husband and I were preparing dinner, my youngest daughter came up to me and held out her hand to show something on her palm. «Hey baby, what do you got there?» — I saw something dark, but did not immediately see what it was, and came closer. When I realized what she was showing me, I rushed for a clean diaper, but in my haste I tripped over some object and collapsed to the floor.
I tripped over the middle daughter’s shoe, which she had thrown in the middle of the room. «Bailey, come here now!» I screamed. She got to her feet, grabbed a clean diaper, scooped up the younger one and hobbled into the bathroom. «Bailey!» I screamed even louder. She must have been in the room upstairs. When I bent over to change the baby’s diaper, the impacted knee ached. «Bailey!» — even louder.
Adrenaline rushed through my veins — because of the fall, because of the «accident» with the diaper, because I was ignored
«What, mommy?» Her face showed innocence, not malice. But I didn’t notice it because I was already on it. “You can’t throw shoes in the hallway like that! Because of you, I tripped and fell!” I barked. She lowered her chin to her chest, «I’m sorry.»
«I don’t need your ‘sorry’! Just don’t do it again!» I even grimaced at my harshness. Bailey turned and walked away with her head bowed.
I sat down to rest after cleaning up the aftermath of the «accident» with the diaper and remembered how I talked with the middle daughter. A wave of shame washed over me. What kind of mother am I? What is wrong with me? Usually I try to communicate with children in the same manner as with my husband — with respect and kindness. With my youngest and eldest daughters, I most often succeed. But my poor middle daughter! Something about this preschool child provokes me to aggression. I turn into a fury every time I open my mouth to say something to her. I realized that I needed help.
Hair bands to help every «evil» mother
How many times have you set yourself the goal of exercising more, switching to a healthy diet, or stopping watching a series in the evenings in order to go to bed early, and after a couple of days or weeks you are back to the same place where you started? This is where habits come in. They put your brain on autopilot so you don’t even have to use your willpower to do anything. You just follow the usual routine.
In the morning, brushing our teeth, taking a shower, and drinking our first cup of coffee are all examples of habits we do on autopilot. Unfortunately, I developed a habit of speaking rudely to the middle daughter.
My brain went in the wrong direction on autopilot and I became an angry mother.
I opened my own book to the chapter “Get Rid of Bad Habits” and began to reread it. And I realized that hair ties will help me from the bad habit of being rude to my daughter.
Како работи
Visual anchors are a powerful, evidence-based tool for breaking bad habits. They help to avoid automatic performance of habitual actions. If you’re trying to change your diet, put a reminder sticker on your fridge: «snack = veggies only.» We decided to run in the morning — before going to bed, put sports clothes next to the bed.
I decided that my visual anchor would be 5 hair ties. Why? A couple of years ago, on a blog I read advice to parents to use rubber bands for money as a visual anchor. I just used research data to supplement this technique and break the habit of turning on the angry mother once and for all. If you also lash out at the child and allow yourself to be tough more often than you would like, follow these recommendations.
Што да сторите?
Choose 5 hair ties that are comfortable to wear on your wrist. Thin bracelets are also suitable.
In the morning, when the children wake up, put them on one arm. It’s important to wait until the kids are awake because visual anchors won’t work once you get used to them. Therefore, they should only be worn when children are around, and removed if they are at school or sleeping.
If you catch yourself getting irritated with your child, remove one rubber band and put it on the other hand. Your goal is to wear elastic bands on one arm during the day, that is, not to allow yourself to slip. But what if you still can’t resist?
You can get the gum back if you take 5 steps to build a relationship with your child. In a healthy relationship, every negative action should be balanced by 5 positive ones. This principle is called the «magic 5:1 ratio».
There is no need to invent something complicated — simple actions will help restore an emotional connection with a child: hug him, pick him up, say “I love you”, read a book with him, or just smile while looking into the child’s eyes. Don’t put off positive actions—start right after you’ve done negative ones.
If you have multiple kids, you don’t need to buy another set of bands, your goal is to keep all five on one wrist and correct your mistakes right away, so one set is enough for you.
пракса
When I decided to try this method on myself, at first I was skeptical. But the usual methods of self-control did not work, something new was needed. It turned out that a visual anchor in the form of rubber bands, backed up by a slight pressure on the wrist, turned out to be a magic combination for me.
I managed to get through the first morning with no problems. At lunchtime, I snapped, barking at my middle daughter, but quickly made amends and returned the bracelet to its place. The only drawback of the method turned out to be that Bailey drew attention to the elastic bands and asked them to be removed: “This is for the hair, not for the arm!”
“Honey, I need to wear them. They give me superhero power and make me feel happy. With them, I become a supermom»
Bailey asked incredulously, «Are you really becoming a supermom?» «Yes,» I replied. «Hooray, my mom can fly!» she shouted joyfully.
For a while I was afraid that the initial success was accidental and I would return to the usual role of the “evil mother” again. But even after a few months, gum continues to work wonders. I talk to the middle daughter with love and kindness, and not in an annoyed way, as before.
I managed to get by without screaming even during the permanent marker, carpet, and soft toy incident. When Bailey found out that the marker wouldn’t wash off, she was so upset about her toys that I was glad I didn’t add to her frustration with my anger.
Unexpected effect
Lately, I’ve been spending more and more time without my bracelets to see if the new behavior «sticks». And indeed, a new habit has earned.
I also discovered another rather unexpected result. Since I started wearing rubber bands in front of my preschooler, her behavior has also changed for the better. She stopped taking away toys from her younger sister, stopped bullying her older sister, and became more obedient and responsive.
Due to the fact that I speak to her more respectfully, she responds to me in the same way. Because I don’t yell at every trivial problem, she doesn’t need to resent me, and she helps me solve the problem. Because she feels my love, she shows more love for me.
Necessary warning
After a negative interaction with a child, it can be difficult for you to rebuild and quickly build a relationship. The motivation to return the bracelet should help you and your child feel mutual love and affection.
I discovered the true source of happiness. You will not be happy if you win the lottery, get a promotion at work, or enroll your child in a prestigious school. Once you get used to any of these events, it will cease to please you.
A real, lasting feeling of happiness comes as a result of conscious and long-term work with oneself to eradicate harmful and acquire necessary habits.
About the Author: Kelly Holmes is a blogger, mother of three, and author of Happy You, Happy Family.