We may forget the names of our teachers and school friends, but the names of those who offended us in childhood remain forever in our memory. Clinical psychologist Barbara Greenberg shares ten reasons why we remember our abusers over and over again.
Ask your friends about their childhood grievances, and you will understand that it is not only you who are tormented by the «ghosts of the past.» Everyone has something to remember.
A list of ten reasons why we cannot forget resentments is useful to see for many. Adults who were abused as children so that they can realize what happened to them and thus solve their current problems. Children and teenagers who are bullied at school to understand why this is happening and try to resist the bullies. Finally, to the initiators and participants of bullying, to reflect on the deep trauma that is inflicted on those who are bullied and to change their behavior.
To our offenders: why can’t we forget you?
1. You have made our life unbearable. You didn’t like that someone wore the «wrong» clothes, was too tall or short, fat or thin, too smart or stupid. We were already uncomfortable knowing about our features, but you also started to make fun of us in front of others.
You took pleasure in publicly humiliating us, felt the need for this humiliation, did not allow us to live peacefully and happily. These memories cannot be erased, just as it is impossible to stop feeling the feelings associated with them.
2. We felt helpless in your presence. When you poisoned us along with your friends, this helplessness increased many times over. Worst of all, we felt guilty about this helplessness.
3. You made us feel terrible loneliness. Many could not tell at home what you did to us. If someone dared to share with their parents, he only received useless advice that he should not pay attention. But how can one not notice the source of torment and fear?
4. You may not even remember what we often skipped classes. In the mornings, our stomach ached because we had to go to school and endure torment. You have caused us physical suffering.
5. Likely you didn’t even realize how omnipotent you were. You caused anxiety, depression and physical illness. And these problems have not gone away after we graduated from high school. How long healthier and calmer we could be if you were never around.
6. You have taken away our comfort zone. For many of us, home was not the best place, and we liked going to school … until you started torturing us. You can’t even imagine what hell you turned our childhood into!
7. Because of you, we can’t trust people. Some of us considered you friends. But how can a friend behave like this, spread rumors and tell people terrible things about you? And how then to trust others?
8. You didn’t give us a chance to be different. Many of us still prefer to remain «small», inconspicuous, shy, instead of doing something outstanding and attracting attention to ourselves. You taught us not to stand out from the crowd, and already in adulthood we learned with difficulty to accept our features.
9. Because of you, we had problems at home. The anger and irritability that was meant for you spilled out at home on younger brothers and sisters.
10. Even for those of us who have succeeded and learned to feel positive about ourselves, these childhood memories are extremely painful. When our children reach bullying age, we worry about being bullied too, and that anxiety is passed on to our children.